Monday, May 29, 2006

Very Personal: Night's like tonight.....

OMG...I miss them so much. I dont have any grandparents anymore, and sometimes a day will go by when I dont think about them, and I hate it. Then there are those nights, when I'm all alone in my room that I just cry myself to sleep, gaah you would think I would reach a point where I couldn't cry anymore.

Tonight is one of those nights. I realize that I really dont have anything of my Ama, and it's been 7 years since her passing and I really wish she was here.

It's been 2 years since my Grandma passed away, and night's like these I just hug my Texas A&M bear and bawl, I look over to all my Barbies and smile, but cry even harder. She would give me a barbie every Christmas and I remember one year I didn't get one bc she thought maybe I was too old, and oh how I was so disappointed. Well she went out and bought me one and to this day it's my favorite one out of all of them.

It's been a little over a year since my Apa passed, and I really wish we could have been closer. It wasn't until my late high school years that we got close, and I wish I could just talk to him once more.

It's been 3 months since my Pee-paw passed and it seems like years. I miss his phonecalls, and his sense of humor. His funny bird clocks, and his practical jokes. I remember when he came to my hs graduation and we took a picture while he kissed me on the cheek...I can't find that photo, and I wish I could.....

I know one day I will see them again, and somedays I wish God could just take me home so I could leave all the crap I go through. Then I realize I'm here for a purpose and once I finish the plan he has for me, we will be reunited again.....

Added Content: Songs that Get me Through the Night (lyrics):

Cry Out to Jesus-Third Day
I Can Only Imagine-Mercy Me
Holding Onto You-Paul Coleman


Grace said...

Rita so sorry you are having such a tough time. I lost all four of my Grandparents also. My dad died when I was 7 and his dad, my grandpa diesd a year and 4 days later. He was great and although I don't remember it my Uncles tell me he loved the fact I was tying to teach him to read(he never learned.) My dad's mom died in a nursing home a few years later.

My mother's dad I never knew, but my mother's mom lived with me after y mom died. She died at home while I was at work; we didn't get along at times, but I still miss her.

There are times never think of them, then I'll get a spark or a glimpse of a memory and things will come flooding back, things I haven't thought of in years.

I cry sometimes, more lately and I don't know why, guess keeping things bottled up isn't so good. But I know there is a silver lining somewhere you just have to find it.

Take care and email me if you want to talk.

Rita said...

I didn't expect anyone to respond so detailed, but I really appreciate it.

Grace said...

Rita once you get me started there's no stopping me.

sfacfan said...

I think reading Anderson's book, plus it being Memorial Day has brought forth a lot of memories and making ys miss those who have passed. I know it has for me. I find myself sitting there staring at pictures of my dad and reliving old family vactions we had, and all the silly things we used to do. It always ends in tears for me. Chin up, keep smiling and if you ever need to chat email me :-)

Sheryn said...

Rita, I lost my grandmother nine years ago April. She was my best friend in the world. She died before I met my husband and I'm so sad that she was not there for my wedding. I know she is my guardian angel though.

To this day, I'll have a memory or read something like your post and am overwhelmed by the loss again. (BTW, I cry ugly. Thank goodness your in Texas and can't see me!)

Have a wonderful weekend. I hope you feel better!

Rita said...

I just want you all to know that all of you are AMAZING! I really appreciate the way you all opened up to this post and knowing that there are kind people like you all out there is great!!

AndysGirl said...

Hey Rita - I'm so sorry for all your sadness. I think Anderson's story has,at least for me, opened up this Pandora's box of heartache that I thought I had buried so deep that it would never rise to the surface again. Heartache and loss, whether it be grandparents and parents who have passed, or a love lost or unrequited, never go away completely. It's always there, behind your heart, waiting to be released by some event, sad song, movie or another's sad story of loss.

I never knew most of my grandparents. My grandfather that I knew as a little girl, was not demonstrative and never really bothered with us grandchildren. Even my dad with whom I wasn't what you would call close, is gone but it still hurts. He wasn't demostrative either and it was hard to be close to him. He wasn't one that you would run up to and wrap your arms around his neck. But like i said, it still hurts, so I can imagine how much you hurt being you shared so much with yours and were so close.

The worst of it all is crying yourself to sleep, all alone. I know that experience well! I know it proabably doesn't help but my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I've spent the last week crying my eyes out after listening to Anderson's book. I say it's not fair to unleash people's heartache and demons and make them cry when you are not going to be there to comfort them, hold them and wipe their tears away! Hopefully we will somehow find peace. Times like these I wish we did have whitelighters who could take our pain away. Take care and write me anytime you want to talk.

phebe said...

Your grandparents would be so proud of you and the caring, intelligent woman you are.
This poem by Christina Rossetti really helps me when I get down about those I've lost.

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more, day by day,
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

Rainbow said...

I still think about my grandparents all the time. All four of mine are gone too. There are times I feel them around me, so I know they are still with me. I loved what you wrote.