Day 2: AC360 without AC

I'm not sure which is appropriate at this hour, good evening or good morning! Guess it depends on where you are. I don't know about you, but the week seems so much longer when Anderson is off. Yes, I know he deserves and needs some vacation or at least work that is a litttle different from the same old, same old. However, I miss the show with him sitting behind the desk. It's part of my nighttime ritual. He puts a smile on my face before I go to bed. He makes me forget my problems, my troubles, and takes away the loneliness. The loneliness is the worst since Mom is gone. It surrounds me like a heavy, dark cloud that feels like it's closing in on me and pushing me down. I'm familiar with the feelings of loss, but at one appointment someone verbalized perfectly. The doctor asked how I was doing, besides having a "heavy heart". I don't remember if I heard the term before but it was like a light bulb going off in my head. That was it! That's how it felt. A big heart normally seems like a good thing. A heavy heart, though, isn't the same thing. It makes you feel like your chest is too full. It's a feeling of intense presssure as though someone were sitting on your chest. You can't take a deep breath. The only time it's relieved is when you cry your eyes out. As horrible as that feels, it does relieve the pressure you feel inside, at least for a little while.

Sometimes in articles or interviews, Anderson mentions loss and how he misses his dad and brother. He seems to have handled his grief with moderation, style, and grace, and generosity. I constantly wonder how he does it. It's been quite a few years and he's come through it. I often wonder how he did it; how he does it now. What I wouldn't give to have his guidance. A helpful hint or two to guide me on my way through this dark and dismal world that has me trapped. It reminds me of that one commercial on television. You know the one where they ask where you want to go - answer: no where. What do you want to do: nothing. That's the way I feel.

To be bluntly honest though, there are a few things I want. I want a shoulder to lean on when I cry. I want to feel strong arms wrapped around me to make me safe again. I want that large hand resting in my hair and stroking me while I listen to that calm, soothing voice. That gentle voice telling me he is there and everything is going to be okay. I know it's not going to be okay, but I think I would still like to hear the words.

For those of you still up, goodnight and sweet dreams. For the early risers, have a good day.

Weekend Musings

Hope everyone had a good weekend. I guess I could say mine was okay. Nowadays, any day I can get through without uncontrollable crying, aka meltdowns, I consider a good day. I've spent the evening watching "Pretty Woman" . Yes I've seen it before; probably dozens of times. I could no doubt recite it word for word. As with most things, there are favorite moments.

You know how there are things we wish we could do, wish we could be? That's my favorite moment in this movie. Remember when Vivian (Julia Roberts) walks through the hotel lobby after shopping and everyone stops to watch her? I wish I could have that effect on people. The same thing happens when she and Richard Gere are on their way to the opera and she is wearing that beautiful red dress. Of course, people who elicit such a reaction like Anderson Cooper probably hate it; consider it intrusive, annoying, and embarrassing. However, for people like me and my mom who grew up feeling invisible it's a different story. Mom always described herself as having mousy brown hair, being shy and quiet, as opposed to her older, popular, outgoing sister with her long, blonde hair, brown eyes, and adventurous nature. She was the one who always came home from school with her long hair blowing in the wind, carrying her boots, and toting a stray puppy begging incessantly, "can I keep him, can I keep him?"

Growing up as the mousy one, I should know the importance of compliments. This is why I can't understand my careless omission a week or so before Christmas. I came downstairs to find Mom sitting in her recliner with a book in her lap and a cup of tea and remnants of breakfast on the table near her. I stopped and stared at the scarf around her neck. It was a small, white chiffon scarf secured with a small, costume jewelry Christmas pin. It was a Santa Claus on skis holding the two sides of the scarf together. It looked really nice and was something different that she hadn't worn before. I stood in front of her staring at it and thinking how nice it looked. But I never said a word. She probably thought I was staring and thinking it didn't look right or thinking "why is she wearing my pin"? She couldn't read my mind and wouldn't know I thought it looked really nice. Why didn't I tell her? For someone who doesn't get compliments all the time, they are important. I should know this! Why didn't I say something?

Now it's too late. She's gone and I can't go back. I can't make it right. I can't change it. How often do we hear that life is short and we should make sure we say the important things?  We need to tell people how we feel? Yet we still ignore this sage advice and go on as usual. Why?

Erica Returns

Since Erica left AC360 there has been something missing from the program. Yes, Candy Crowley and Jessica Yellin do a good job, but it isn't the same and Erica is missed. Last night, Jessica had a surprise for Anderson and lo and behold, Erica appeared. Unfortunately, she came back to mock Anderson over his Jeopardy non-win. It was great to see her again and hear the good old andererica banter. I also liked the walk down memory lane with Jessica over the 80's song "Don't You Want Me Baby?" and other goodies. It looks like Anderson may be hitting the road again. During his interview with Sean Penn he mentioned returning to Haiti. It breaks your heart hearing all those people are going through. I wonder how long until we learn to help these people in a more timely manner.

Speaking of heartbreak, didn't you feel for that couple who had he police pounding on their door 50 times over a period of years. An elderly couple in their eighties shouldn't have to put up with stuff like that. Anderson displayed a very appropriate response to their predicament.

Well, it's 3:00 A.M. and I should attempt getting to bed at a decent hour. My mom and I always went upstairs together whether or not I went to sleep. It's hard now going upstairs to bed. It's a stark reminder that she isn't here with me and I'm alone. So ladies and gents, give your sweetie an extra big hug and don't forget to appreciate that you have them and you're not alone. Maybe marriage isn't a bowl of cherries and everything isn't perfect, but at least when things go wrong you have a shoulder to cry on and someone to console you. That's more important than you may think. If you're single and living with your parent, treasure every moment. You can't imagine how it will hurt when they are gone. On an episode of the television show "Crossing Jordan" there was a quote that went something like this: hold on dear to your parents for it is a scary and confusing world without them." I always thought it was a sweet sentiment, but I never grasped the meaning completely until now. It is very true my friends.

Today In Our Nation's History...

There isn't really much I can say that probably every other American isn't thinking or feeling. This day in our history as Americans should ALWAYS be remembered, and NEVER forgotten. This day taught America so much; from it's vulnerability, to it's amazing power to rally back. It was trully amazing to see how patriotic we Americans can be after being hit so hard and experiencing extreme pain as a nation. However, it saddens me that it takes that kind of tragedy to bring out our patriotism as a country.

So what emotions stir up deep inside me on this day? Many to be honest. Saddness, shock, reverence, hope, and anger are just a few. I'm sure each and everyone of us could put together a massive list of how this day makes us feel emotionally.

I for one love this country, sure we have our problems, but let's face it what country doesn't? John Wayne summed it up when he said:

"Sure I wave the American flag. Do you know a better flag to wave?
Sure I love my country with all her faults.
I'm not ashamed of that, never have been, never will be."
--John Wayne

I hope that Americans around the nation will put their political differences aside today and realize that there is so much more to life here than political parties;I hope that so many people can get rid of this "it's all about me" mentality as well. What can YOU do to better this country? Stop focusing on yourself all the time and look around you! A random act of kindness is contagious and can go along way.

This country is better off than so many, yet there are people that are suffering in this country like so many in others. We are NOT perfect, nor will we ever be! Change is gradual, I hate the thought that so many people think that who ever takes the office will radically change America. Reality check, it will not happen.

But I digress, this post isn't about that, it's about remembering all those people that lost their lives on this day in history, as well as to remember all the men and women who have stepped up in order to defend our country.

So I pose two questions for all of you to think about.

• One, is America to big to fail?
• And if we do, who will step up to help us in our time of need?

To all international readers:
I hope this post doesn't come off the wrong way. I also want to thank you, if you took time out of your busy day to remember America in remembering the pain we felt as a nation. Even though I may not post entries like this for other events that have happened around the world that have hurt other nations as this one did to America, I do remember them and send my thoughts to everyone.

Thank you all for reading, have a great day/evening.

Picture of the Week 1/27/08

Screen caps courtesy of Sahira, merci beaucoup!

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. Reading the blog yesterday gave me quite a few things to think about. Loss is complicated, whether it's a family member, lover, pet, close friend or other. "OTHER"? you're probably thinking. Yes, other. Have you ever watched a movie or tv program and when the character dies you find yourself crying? How about a celebrity? I'm sure there are many out there you are hurting and desperately sad after hearing of Heath Ledger's passing. I know, I know, we're not supposed to think of people we see on television or on the movie screen that way. "You don't have a relationship with them!" Yes, we've heard that one many times before. And yes, we know we don't have a relationship with them, and we know that. Really! We do know that! However, for some strange reason, we feel something. It may not be a relationship, but they are strong feelings nonetheless.

For me, Heath Ledger didn't invoke really strong feelings or a sense of deep loss. However, other people have. When Johnny Carson died, I cried. I felt sad for days and those tears and feelings come back every time I see an infomercial where they are selling his DVD's. Why? Darn if I know. But the feelings are there. Maybe it's the many nights when I should have been sleeping because it was a school night, but I was up watching the Tonight Show and laughing my head off. Even if I couldn't stay up for the entire program, I always made sure I caught the monologue. I would laugh out loud and totally annoy my parents who had gone to bed. You could've taken bets on which parent would barge into the TV room and tell me to turn that things done and be quiet! Then they would close the door to the room and go back to bed. It happened every night. I'm sure my dad was thrilled listening to me cackle when he had to get up at 7:00 to go to work and Mom had to get up at 6:00 AM to get his breakfast ready. Yes, I'm lucky, Mom is one of those old fashioned moms who was the first one up in the morning, got meals for her family, washed Daddy's glasses for him before he left for work, and waited on us all hand and foot. But I digress. Spending every night watching Johnny Carson for years must have carved out a special niche in my heart for him. Now that he's gone, I've noticed I don't laugh as often or as hard.

Characters can do the same thing to us. I always cry during the episode of Charmed when Prue dies and the one where Andy dies. Now don't confuse him with Anderson, don't even think about it. That Andy isn't allowed to...well, you know. Hear that God? Anyway, I've seen those episodes dozens of times, I know what's going to happen from the first scene of the program and the exact moment it's going to happen. But it still makes me sad and the tears always flow. Mom has mentioned to me that I cry more for people on TV that for my own family. I don't know for sure if it's true or not. Maybe it's just easier to cry for TV characters, you don't feel as self-conscious. I didn't grow up crying easily. I wasn't the one who turned on the waterworks to get her way or get attention. So my tears are usually private, 2:30 AM cuddled under my blanket in bed, my face buried in my pillow. Maybe it doesn't matter who we cry for or why. Maybe when we cry for people we don't really know, maybe we are also crying for all the loved ones we've lost and held in the tears. Perhaps what is important is that the emotions are there and crying lets them out. Maybe that's all that matters.

One thing to remember is to always count your blessings. If you happen to have someone to hold you when you cry, then you definitely have some blessings to count and your are indeed a lucky person after all.

Now to leave you on a happy note, here's a screen cap of a very cheerful, happy Anderson. Enjoy!